Moving Part 2

boxes-2120367_1920There are so many things that I want to write about, but the fact that we are moving seems to be looming large. When we first decided to start looking we didn’t think that it would almost become a run away train.

It all began as a whim of mine looking at some homes that were being built about 20 minutes from where we live. Right now we live in a 1300 square foot house which we have been in for 17 years. Our boys have always shared a room and our home is a bit closed off. When we bought the house we never thought we would be here 17 years later, but here we are. When we truly examined moving out of the town we lived in it made sense. We have a little bit of debt we could wipe out with the equity, we could get a little larger home and the boys could have their own rooms. Most homes today have open floor plans so we could quite possibly have friends over for dinner. So we forged ahead.

We thought we were prayerfully moving ahead with each step, but so many road blocks appeared it seemed that it would never come to fruition. Our house sold almost immediately, but then came the inspection. The inspector was really nit picky and we wound up having to fix a problem that didn’t really exist and one that did. In the meantime because the buyer drug her feet we lost two other houses that we had put bids in on. So we came down to the wire and we finally settled on a house, but oh boy! The seller of our new home didn’t disclose a seriously potential issue until after we had seen the sellers disclosure form. When we told our realtor that it wasn’t acceptable the seller then came back with all sorts of paperwork, inspections and apologies saying no deception was intended. This was a problem for us because the sellers had also played a game with us about the price of the home wanting far more than the home was worth or other specs in the area were selling for. Everything eventually worked out in the end, but now we are trying to figure out how to move out of our house and into a new house in a months time, settle on the same day and have my husband work 12 hour days along with my inability to lift heavy things. I knw that it will all come together, but this journey has been anything, but easy.

I have learned through all this that I still have the ability to react instead of respond. That just because you think you are praying in His will, you may not be, and the big one that Satan really is looking to take you out any way that he can.

Apparently I have to pond the scripture Philippians 4:6-7, “ Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” and remember to do Phil. 4:8-9, “.”

 

Count It All Joy?

girl-1149933_1920I lost my joy yesterday. There is just no other way to put it.  I think I can honestly say that I have been having a crisis of faith. I keep wondering where He is in all this.

In James 1:2-4 it says, “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” Yeah, I am having a hard time counting it all joy. I know there are those who have suffered harder trials than I and I can honestly say I don’t know how they endure it, but welcome to my pity party for just a bit. 

When my husband and I got married just one month after, he was in a bad auto accident that left us without a car, and a no fault judgement, which meant we still had to pay for a car that did not exist. Five months later I lost my job and at that time I was making a bit more than my husband who was working two jobs. We had no other option, but to move in with my parents. Don’t get me wrong I love my parents dearly, but I was 26 newly married, living with my parents and again had a curfew. We managed to pay off most of our debt (even when my husband also lost his higher paying job) and moved into a lovely one bedroom apartment 7 months later after two career changes.

Normally in a marriage, the topic of children comes up. It did for us too, but in my youth I had been very ill and I wasn’t sure that I could have children nor would the illness come back preventing me from raising them, so we decided that children were not really in our future. Two months later I got pregnant with twins. Go ahead and giggle most people do at this point………..ok laughter time over because the last 13 weeks of my pregnancy I was put on bedrest, once again living with my parents because my husbands hours at his new job prevented him from taking care of me at any time.

My wonderfully made children were born at 36 weeks to the day, however they both have a form of autism, which had us deciding that I would stay home full time. My two boys are some of the most caring, loving, aggravating, frustrating, God loving men that I know.

We then got slammed with one of the worst trials we have faced, my husband became addicted to alcohol and then threw in some drugs for good measure. I won’t go into the gory details, but we separated, I filed for divorce (let’s just leave it at I had biblical grounds) and we were apart for a year. My husband got clean and sober and we did reunite, but then my health took a bad turn.

I was born with a spine disorder and unfortunately I had a very bad car accident that exacerbated it tremendously to the point that I needed surgery. I am now the proud owner of 4 screws, two rods and three cadaver discs. That made working outside of the house impossible for me at a time when my children were grown enough and I could have rejoined the working world to help with the household finances.

A few years later and I was diagnosed with diabetes. It didn’t stop there either, in the space of 4 months I had 3 surgeries; a DNC, my gallbladder and appendix removed and shoulder surgery.

It had seemed to us that maybe a change was needed again, so we thought that moving out of the house we have been in for 17 years would be a good way to get a fresh start. Purging all the old and simply cleaning things up might air out the crud that had us down. We prayed before each step, we tried to obey when doors seemed to close and things appeared to be moving along. Then we got steam rolled yesterday and we are lost. Details aren’t necessary, but things have gone wrong and we are not sure what will happen. We thought we were being obedient, we thought we were asking in faith without doubts (James 1:6), yet here we are.

I know trials are part of life and there are lessons to be learned. Faith is stretched and tried when the trials come, but mine seems to be flimsy at best now. I know in my head that when a door shuts He isn’t preventing us from good things and He may well have something so much better, but my heart can’t seem to get on board this time.

Has your heart ever forgotten to listen to your head? I thought I had concurred that particular affliction. I guess I need more work.

 

Overwhelmed

11001826_10203464982367122_6936621571295453289_nGeeze Louise do I feel the weight of all that needs to be done pressing in on me today! It’s been a whirlwind since Memorial Day and it doesn’t appear it will stop any time soon. Part of it’s my own fault I kinda sorta started some of the swirling and I know I need to own that, but instead I want to be a four year old stomp my foot and say, “NO!”

Last year for our church’s VBS I helped with costumes (not much help as I can’t sew a stitch, but I am great at fetch and carry). They were short a person for a very small part, so I was voluntold (yes that is a word, ok my word, but a word none-the-less), hence my small partS (yes notice the large S I meant to do that) this year in addition to working on props. This normally wouldn’t have me in distress, but add the fact that I went casually looking for the possibility of a new home and now we are cleaning like fiends, about to put our house on the market and looking for a new home. Why didn’t someone stop me? I was hoping God would step in here and slam a door in our faces, but so far, nada! Even doors that seem to be closing, other ones are opening. GREAT (she says with extreme sarcasm in her voice)!

I have been trying to stay focused on the Word and reading scriptures to ease feeling so overwhelmed and I will be honest with you they aren’t helping much. I know it’s me. I will make a confession, one of my quiet times is when I am in the shower. I seem to be able to work things out in my mind and pray more fervently while in there. It could have something to do with the fact that it is the only place in a house full of men that I can find a bit of peace. When the boys were growing up they knew that I did not take long showers and whatever it was except for fire, flood or blood could wait till I was done. Lately though my shower prayers have been, “Oh Lord am I tired!” Nope, not much of  a prayer and more of a confirmation of being pooped.

I was looking all over for something to help with this feeling of stress and pressure, so I went to my go to place which is a website called Got Questions. Our pastor once recommended it when he did not have time enough to give us a full answer to what my husband and I thought was an easy question. It has helped me a lot even if at times I don’t exactly agree with everything. This time however, it didn’t have an answer for me that helped, except in one little sentence that brought up a portion of scripture, 1 Corinthians 14:33 (in part), “for God is not a God of confusion but of peace…” I think I forgot that somewhere along the way. Then it was a bit easier to remember Psalm 46:1-3, “God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change, And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea; Though its waters roar and foam, Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride. Selah.”

I am not sure that the pressure and stress will vanish, nor the feelings of being overwhelmed, but I have to remember that He has got this and I just have to trust that. Pray for me.

Moving

IMG_9367I been having a difficult time lately getting much done. I am not sure why as humans we decide to take on life changing events when we are most busy.

It was in the back of our heads to move for a year or so. We no longer really like where we live, the house we are in was never meant to be our forever (yeah we have been here over 17 years), and the concept is closed off and a bit choppy. I came across some homes accidentally that my husband really liked and the next thing I know we are cleaning out our house speaking to mortgage reps and have a realtor for our house. What happened? I am not sure.

I grew up with a mother who was one who threw things away if it was not used that year and a father who kept copies of scientific magazines from before I was born (you know they landed on the moon dad, right?),  so I have a bot of both of them in me. Mom was also a clean freak, of which I really am not. So to have  realtor come into your house and in her capacity as the person who will sell your home tell you it’s not that clean and that you need to get rid of every bit of evidence that you are still living here is a bit maddening, but also discouraging too.

When we moved in here our boys were young (picture before kindergarten) and now they are adults and there has been more junk brought in here and even thrown away than I care to mention and we still seem to be swimming in it. Our basement looks like the dump threw up in it, but I will say that I have managed to box up most of our lives and put them in my father in laws garage. My big issue has been how do you erase the fact that you are living here while you are trying to sell the home?

When I look at all the stuff we have accumulated I keep going back to the book of 20 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; 21 for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” I am having a bit of trouble letting go of the treasures that we have stored here in our house, but need to focus on the treasures that we will store in a new abode much like we will in heaven.

I have also been reminded of another piece of scripture, Ephesians 4:22-24 “22 to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, 23 and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, 24 and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.” While our old stuff does not necessarily contain corrupt and deceitful desires when we purge ourselves of the things of old we are taking off the old man and putting on a new man because we will be operating from a different place or season in our lives.

I hope that I can, with God’s help, keep all the balls in the air. I know He can, but I am not too sure of my ability to do that right now. I will let you know how things work out.