Why Can’t I?

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Tonight I was thinking about why I can’t be a lot of things. For instance I am not naturally empathetic, nor am I one that doles out sympathy easily either. My upbringing did not include a lot of either of those emotive skills, so I have an extreme lack of them.

As I was growing up whenever I was sick I was taught to “suck it up buttercup”. I was never allowed to be ill for very long or languish in bed if I had a fever. Most of this behavior came from my mom. I am positive that she developed this inability to let others just be sick from her family not believing that she was very sick at the time that they were all doting on my aunt who had the same illness. Unfortunately that has manifested in me a surliness when others are ill or are worrying about being ill.

Firstly, worrying about having an illness is akin to telling God, “I can’t trust you.” At least to me it is. That is not to say that if you don’t feel well that you should not pursue with all diligence a diagnosis so that you can put a name to the cruddy way you feel, but to borrow trouble before all the tests are in, before treatment options are discussed, to compare yourself to someone else who had the same thing is, to me, telling God that He has no idea what He is doing and he is letting you suffer this malady for nothing.

Secondly (here is the critical spirit rearing it’s ugly head) there are some to me that like either being ill or having chaos in their lives. I am not saying that I don’t wallow a bit myself here and there. This move that we are making has given me more heartburn and stress than raising my children has in 22 years, and quite a bit of that is my not trusting that it will all work out. However, hanging on to things, wanting to be sick, or creating chaos in your life just makes me cringe and not want to be around you. I can’t be sympathetic, it just doesn’t appear to be in me.

I want to be empathetic, I want to feel their pain, but there are times that I just get angry and cynical because others have suffered, lived with or overcome the same things and yet that does not bring them comfort or assurance. I want to ask God to help me with these two things, but it’s a bit like patience, every time I ask for that, a trial seems to appear to teach me patience. I am a bit afraid of what will show up to teach me empathy and sympathy.

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Less Than

person-2254439_1920ZOIKS! I know I know I have neglected this blog and I have felt quite guilty about it. Ok well maybe only a little guilty as this has been an extremely long week. Along with moving this is also the week of VBS at our church and I am involved in the drama that is used to point the kids towards Christ and help them receive the gospel message.

I have also been struggling this week with feeling “less than”.  Some of it is outside influenced and some of it is self induced. Growing up I was never wholly “good enough” Each endeavor could have been better. An “A” on a paper could have been an “A+”, a base hit in softball could have been a double and so on. It has made me extremely sensitive when it seems as if what I have accomplished is “less than”.

It’s hard to overcome feelings of being not good enough and even more so when others create an atmosphere that helps fuel that feeling. This week at VBS it becomes a stronger sensitivity for me and I have to be so vigilant to not fall into the trap that Satan has laid out for me.

In 2 Corinthians 4:7-9 it says, “But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, so that the surpassing greatness of the power will be of God and not from ourselves; we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed” I have to hang my hat there so that I can face the feelings and try to overcome. Pray for me!

Yes Lord