The title says it all……I am struggling. I am struggling to keep my sanity as my mother’s declines, I am struggling to keep my head in the game, I am struggling with the fiery darts that are coming our way since we sent in our applications to teach spoken English in China this summer, I am struggling not to be ugly to others because I am a swirling mess inside and I am struggling to not rail at a loving God for allowing all these things to go on.
I know that my mother’s situation is not going to change other than to get worse, but I know that I can respond differently. This morning I failed miserably with that task. My father is retiring at the end of this month. Something that I never thought would happen, but at almost 84 years old and having worked for 55 years he deserves to retire. I wish it was because he really wanted to and not because he has to. Anyway, he asked if my son would come over to help my mom for the day. I told my mom when I would be dropping him off three times in a phone call yesterday and I told me father again when he called last night. My mother called again this morning asking when I was bringing my son and I was not patient, nor was I particularly kind. I did not respond differently.
My husband and I put in our applications to teach spoken English in China this summer. I went last year and through the changes in my heart and my descriptions my husband worked really hard to be able to take the time off required. Last year fund raising went so well and this year it’s moving inordinately slow. Others who were with us last year will not be, one family has had a significant emergency which may prevent them from going and others from the outside have been questioning my decision.
I am admittedly not handling the swirling emotions that are vying for time in my head. I am so tempted to push Jesus off the throne of my heart and sit there myself because “I can do a much better job.” I am struggling to find my place and purpose in a time and space that feels so foreign and uncomfortable, and I so want to throw my hands up in the air and give up. Not so I can lay it down at the foot of the cross….just give up. I know I could easily sit in a corner and do nothing while the world passes me by; ok maybe not but it feels like it. <shoulder shrug> I am struggling.