Anxiety In The Pain

Back for blogI have found it incredibly hard to write as of late. Having moved and trying to put my house in order has taken up a lot of my patience and a lot of my time. I have also been not feeling up to par. I thought it was stress, but this is becoming a real issue and is wearing me out. Then there is the scariest thing…..

In 2013 I had major back surgery. I had gotten to the point of having to use either a walker or a scooter to get around because my back had gotten so bad that my legs would randomly stop working. I saw an excellent specialist and I became the owner of two rods 4 screws and three cadaver discs. It was a long recovery, but afterward I was so grateful that I could walk again even if there were twinges of pain it was nothing.

Then comes the big move. I was feeling some pain off and on and had some difficulty doing the tasks that usually came naturally, but being overweight and having to pack up a whole house was what I thought was the main contributor to the problem. Now the boxes are primarily moved in and while I am still overweight the pain is increasing at an alarming rate and I will admit, I am scared.

I have had to sincerely focus on Philippians 4:6-9, “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. 7 And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. 9 The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.” to just get by lately.  When you are in pain it is hard to find that for which to be thankful. I am thankful that for now I can still walk, I am thankful that the pain is not overwhelming, I am glad that my husband is understanding and helps all he can, I am thankful that no matter what happens with my back I am breathing and able to enjoy my family and our new house. I have struggled to find the peace of God, but I know it’s there and while it has been fleeting moments there at least have been moments.

I will make an appointment with the specialist as soon as I can, but I am anxious Lord, help me to focus on the steps I need to take to lessen the pain and not drown out your still small voice.

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Saying Goodbye

We are finally in a place in our new home that I can take a break every once in awhile just to decompress. So many things have gone by the wayside. Not all of that a bad thing. I find myself on social media less which is very good for my blood pressure, because there are times that some people make me think bad words even if I don’t say them.

It’s been a bittersweet move. We love our new house, but getting it in shape has been a daunting task to say the least. We had to stay in a hotel for 3 days (Labor Day Monday to Wednesday) with our dog who was not happy about that and our cat had to stay with my father in law. What we didn’t know is that our cat was very sick and dying. We were all finally in our house by Thursday night, but Winston was not well. We took him to an emergency vet, but the poor cat was drowning in his own body fluids. He couldn’t breathe properly, even though he purred when we petted him and meowed his pitiful squeak. My husband had to make a very hard decision at 10 pm having had little sleep for three nights and so very heartbroken that we didn’t see the signs sooner that Winston was feeling ill. He had been part of our family for 15 years and it was one of the hardest goodbyes that I have ever had to say to a pet (I am tearing up now as I type). We don’t consider our pets our fur babies, but they are part of our family and saying goodbye is hard and sometimes even heart wrenching. Winston grew up with my children and tolerated our dog. Shiloh (the dog) came to live with us after Winston had been in residence for awhile and we always said that they were frenemies. We imagined that when we were gone the two of them curled up together and slept peacefully, but the moment someone was looking they swatted, snipped, meowed and growled at each other. We even joked that when we gone for an extended time they played poker, smoked cigars and drank water at our kitchen table till my father in law came over to take care of them or we came home.

The house seems incomplete without Winston and I am sure that it will for awhile. Even Shiloh is missing his feline buddy. Our hearts will mend and in time we will be able to talk about him without getting teary, but we will always have the memories and the love.

Winston