Premeditated Resentment

IMG_9578_tonemappedWell, I certainly had a pity party the other day, didn’t I? I won’t apologize for it because sometimes it’s cathartic to do an emotional “vomit” as it were to get the toxins out. I’m still not a really happy camper today, but it’s bit better.

I took a good look at Mark 11:25-26, “25 Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions. 26 [But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father who is in heaven forgive your transgressions.”]” and I realized that I was holding some things against God. My trials aren’t any worse or any better than anyone else’s, but for me, they seem to not let up very often and I was and to some extent still am, holding them against God. I know that God didn’t create them, we live in a fallen world and Satan roams around it like a roaring lion waiting to see who he can take out. My unhappiness with the way things tend to go make me ripe for the picking, therefore the pity parties begin.

I will admit, my prayers just tend to sound like question and answer periods between me and God. I absolutely would rather have a root canal than to pray publicly, because I don’t know how to vocally construct a prayer that inspires, mine sound more like all I am doing is perspiring. One thing I have never done is the bargaining prayer…..ok, I did once when I was very young and my mom and dad so wanted another child. I promised to be really good if He would allow my parents to adopt a little brother or sister, but unfortunately, that was not to be. That’s when I learned that bargaining with God doesn’t work.  In 1 John 5:14 it tells us, “14 This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.” I think the disconnect comes from that part where it says He hears us, it doesn’t mean He grants us whatever we want. I get that I really do…wait for it…..BUT I don’t think I have seen it in my life as often as it may have appeared.

I’m still laboring through all of this. I can’t say that it will all be smoothed out by tomorrow, but I am satisfied with being a work in progress.

Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness!
You have relieved me in my distress;
Be gracious to me and hear my prayer